What better sums up the feeling of 2017—other than political turmoil, crippling extreme weather systems, and Hollywood’s unending and bizarre obsession with rebooting the Spiderman franchise yet again—than everyone’s favorite vaguely flavored drink, La Croix!
I’d like to note here that I’m Canadian, so we only recently started seeing it pop up in stores (you can get sparkling maple water though, so eat that, every state aside from Vermont), although I’ve heard a ton about it and how amazing it is, mostly thanks to Buzzfeed quizzes (“Pick Some La Croix Flavors and We’ll Tell You How Old You’ll Live to Be!”). My friend and I came across some in a small shop a few weeks ago, one of those places that sells bespoke BBQ sauce for $13 a bottle and wafer-thin organic hand-ground locally sourced chocolate bars. Basically, it’s an imported drink (for us), therefore it is fancy. We grabbed a couple of cans (
grapefruit pamplemousse and lime), cracked them open, and waited for the magic to happen.
“Huh,” I said. “It’s just sparkling water.” Clearly my palate is not refined enough (or too refined? No, that’s definitely not it) to understand the complexities of La Croix, but many peoples’ are. If you are part of the overlapping bit of a Venn diagram with “loves La Croix a lot” in one circle and “needs decorating advice” in the other, then please hold my can of bubbly, lime-adjacent water and let’s take a look at how to truly show off your love of everyone’s favorite incorrectly pronounced beverage (more on that later.)
To start, let’s dive straight into one of 2017s most omnipresent house trends: plants. Throw out your old candles and chuck your photo frames straight in the trash, because you have to make room for more plants. If you’re looking to encapsulate the essence of this year, get this handmade cement La Croix plant holder ($55), and to truly get that 2017-style plant growth going, be sure to water it with the tears you collected while crying from stress and anxiety. Just because you’re freaking out, doesn’t mean your plants should be doing so, as well.
One forgotten area of gift giving is the house-warming gift. When a friend moves into a new abode, it’s always nice to give them a little something that can help them spruce up their space as they dig through box after improperly labeled box, desperately trying to find a pair of scissors that they swear they packed with the rest of their office supplies (SPOILER: They’re in the car. They’re always in the car, for some reason.) This La Croix embroidery ($17) is a lovely piece that can be displayed in an entryway or over a kitchen counter that tells everyone that yes, I would totally give you half of my can of sparkling water, even though it’s warmed up from my hand and also kind of flat, because that’s true friendship.
Along the same lines, you could also make sure that guests know that your home is a place where you can find La Croix, putting it on the level of a boutique hotel, Whole Foods, that local overpriced “general store,” 7-11, and dusty corner stores where it’s stacked beside Mountain Dew: Code Red and Diet Vanilla Cherry Coke Zero. This beat out the original poster design, “La Croix! It’s what’s for dinner because I forgot to get groceries.” 8×10 Hand-Lettered Illustration, $12 at Etsy
Please note; if your wall is no longer visible due to the stacks and stacks of empty cans you’ve yet to recycle, you can also get this floor mat ($40) to express your love of the cult-status fizzy water.
To round out the category of “things you could hang on your wall,” you could opt for this other hand-embroidered hoop, $50 (featuring what appears to be the forgotten “pamplewuss” flavor), or this La Croix clock, $30.75. I assume the only reason that the clock just features a print and isn’t just made out of an empty can is that it was too much of a pain to ship. I’m sure that exists somewhere, though, likely on Etsy.
Remember how I mentioned that I’m Canadian? Due to my upbringing in Parts of Canada That Are Not Toronto™, I learned to speak French, meaning that I pronounced the product as “La CROAW” for the longest time, until it was pointed out to me that it’s actually pronounced “La CROY,” a fact that offended me so much that I had to go stand in the woods and chug maple syrup until I calmed down. Anyway, if you’re one of those people who don’t speak French but like to abide by so-called “brand standards,” you can get this pillow for $20 that rhymed “La Croix” with “boys.” This isn’t a rhyme. It should really read “La Croix before Arkansas” or “La Croix before Parliamentary Law,” but alas, get this pillow to showcase both your love of the drink and general lack of knowledge of what French sounds like. As we say in Canada, “Mare-see bow-coops.”
Now that it’s almost Halloween, it means that it’s time to start thinking about Christmas (thanks, bizarre product cycles at stores!) Sure, you could put the ornaments your kids made on the tree, but why not replace those with ones actually made from La Croix cans? Not only are they a great conversation piece, they also look really sharp, meaning that it’ll likely keep the cat from climbing the branches for once, damnit. La Croix Upcycled Aluminum Can Ornaments, $8.99 at Etsy
Finally, let’s look at ways to show off your obsession with people outside of the home. Yes, you could cobble together some sort of La Croix can wind chime or construct a playhouse out of empties, but if you’re looking for something a little more portable and less likely to collect wasps, send your friends this congratulations card featuring a monochrome La Croix can. See? It says “La Congrats” (pronounced “la conGREY.”) What a lark! It also has the vaguely threatening command to “pop the BUBBLY water.” Make sure that everyone knows that if they dare to offer you tap water then you’ll be likely to cause a scene. Letterpress Greeting Card, $5 at Etsy
If your card-receiving friends still opt to invite you to their wedding, then complete the circle by wearing this $46 dress covered in prints of La Croix cans. I mean, the dress is still white, so you could technically get married in it! Possibly to a can of La Croix! Your love knows NO BOUNDS, PEOPLE.
As for me, I’m ready to head home, crack open a cold one, and enjoy an evening of napping in my La Croix-themed bed, the gentle sound of crumpling empty aluminum cans lulling me to sleep.